Advice from the Neighbourhood Monk

I hate unsolicited advice, but maybe you don’t!

---

The other day, a person slightly my elder, whom I consider to be wise and accomplished, told me that they consider me to be wise and accomplished. Their reasoning was that I seem content with life. And that if I’m not content, I’m good at pretending. They asked if I had any secrets.

This baffled me entirely. But I was also touched because I am, admittedly, content. In light of the charming question, I have decided, foolishly, to share some advice with you, fellow readers. Take it or leave it.

---

Advice from the Neighbourhood Monk

1. Don’t listen to anyone

   Giving unsolicited advice is the worst of indulgences. Accepting and thanking someone for it is rewarding a junkie with a cheap high. Do not engage. Delete this email. The advice is for me, not you.
   

2. A mathematical model for transportation and stupidity
   The means we use to get around in life are not taken nearly as seriously as they need to be. The mode of transportation you rely on is directly correlated to the stupidity you invite into your life.
   
   I used my engineering degree to derive the following model:

   

   

   The stupidity of any transport is proportional to the speed of the transport to the power of 1.5, divided by the number of people it transports.
   
   According to this model, people who drive often, and everywhere, are the dumbest (or most spiritually ill) humans on earth. This is easily verifiable from safety statistics alone, but there are numerous cultural, environmental, and spiritual arguments for this as well. Going on a road trip with 4 friends increases intelligence.
   
   Planes are stupid, too. Look no further than the insanity that overwhelms seemingly normal people in airports. Bikers are idiots (I’m a biker), but considerably less so. Walkers and transit users are, obviously, enlightened. Not only are you showing your face in the community, but you are reducing congestion and pollution, and you get the spiritual benefit of exercise + meandering (in the case of walking) and looking out the window wistfully (in the case of transit). Also, note that walking slowly exponentially increases intelligence.
   
   Ya I know. Cars suck — what a metro lib elite thing to say. We’re wrong about so many things, but not this one.

   
   Note: the mathematicians in my readership should help me improve holes in this model. For example, being stuck in standstill traffic on the 401 reduces stupidity. I would suggest adding an emissions factor to correct for this, thank u.
   

3. Walkers, bikers, and transit users: stop being so horny
   Carrying on from above, the equation seems to be breaking down in recent observations around Toronto. Walkers, bikers, and transit users are exhibiting unusually high levels of stupidity, beyond what’s accounted for in my model. Specifically, we seem to be hornily waiting for drivers to make mistakes, so that we can slap the hoods of their cars and yell at them, or some other behaviour which boils down to policing and creating unnecessary tension in the streets. We also seem to be trying to increase our speeds, resulting in stupid outcomes.
   
   Fellow bikers, walkers, transit users: you chose the path of wisdom, whimsy, compassion. Slow down. Do not degrade yourself. Recognize how the laws of my model apply to drivers. We don’t yell at gravity, or get in fights with it. Notice what’s coming, avert yourself from the wrecking ball, give an understanding nod, and carry on.
   

4. Check out Perfectly Imperfect
   I really like it because of simplicity and elite creative direction. It’s a website / app to do exactly what I’m doing rn: recommending stuff. It doesn’t have to be a product — it can be a mood, activity, style tip, whatever. Importantly, it’s not affiliate powered (the recs aren’t sponsored links). Just cool, funny, creative people logging what they like. The vibes are wholesome and unserious, which is a sexy combo.

   

   

   

   

5. Watch Perfect Days by Wim Wenders
   If I have any claim to being a monk-in-training, then Hirayama in Perfect Days is the transcendent teacher. The movie follows him, a public toilet cleaner in Tokyo, as he goes about his austere and simple life with great care. He is incredibly diligent in his work, indifferent to it being framed as demeaning and low-value by society. Amongst his greatest pleasures is listening to his cassettes (Lou Reed, Patti Smith) during the van trips to and from the bathrooms he cleans — but really, he is enthralled by every step of his routine-oriented day, including the inevitable forces which upset it. He watches the fast-moving city around him with childlike wonder, taking particular pleasure in the dancing and dappling of light as it filters through foliage onto surfaces (a top 3 pastime of mine). Bless the Japanese for having a word for this phenomenon and the feeling associated with it: Komorebi.

   

6. Avoid owning things that you would not care to present at a show & tell
   In other words, buy things whose production is connected to other humans, or that crossed your path by way of chance and spontaneity. This does not require you to be rich or spend time at artisanal markets. My stupid little art collection, which I’ve assembled over a decade, probably amounts to less than $500 in value. Here are a few pieces:

   

   By one of my favourite emerging artists, Matt Thomas. Acquired at the plumb’s yearly plumbraiser.

   

   Acquired at OCAD print sale for $3. Broken frame found on sidewalk. The signature says Johns, so I tell ppl it’s an original Jasper Johns.

   

   Left and right prints by Matthew Walton. The ceramic diva in the middle is by Julia Kansas, epic artist, acquired at the plumb’s yearly plumbraiser.

   For unromantic products, like vacuums and sponges, infuse the routines they are connected to with childlike wonder à la Perfect Days and maybe the products will assume a glory of their own.
   

7. STOP Repping and Dunking on Cities
   I thought this would have died with our twenties but no. I’ll go to Vancouver or Montreal and people will gasp in condescension when I tell them I live in Toronto. In Toronto, I’ll tell someone I grew up in Calgary and they’ll say I’m so sorry to hear that. Then I’ll go home to Calgary and people have a chip on their shoulders about how under appreciated it is. Is this a Canadian thing??? Stop, everyone. Just stop. You are seeking validation from roads and buildings. You are confusing the places you spend money with your personality.
   

8. Visit my barber, Dex
   He really is the sweetest man. I look forward to our conversations more than his haircuts, which are of the highest quality. During one cut, we shared recent encounters that uplifted our faith in ppl. During another, he explained how to build a pipe bomb. If you provide a service (e.g. you work at a coffee shop) he might be open to bartering his service for yours. He is very plugged in to the city and the local arts, and has given me several cherished recommendations.
   
   The real advice here: promote people doing good shit in your community.
   

9. Hang on to some deep and dark secrets.
   Because a monk can’t be perfect. Hirayama in Perfect Days is haunted by something, too, that is never revealed. Hang on to them for dear life. It keeps things exciting while you are being a monk.
   

10. To close, a few entries I found while flipping through my journal.

    1. A conversation between 4 bros.
       Bro 1: Fuck me. I just remembered that I told her it was an honour to dance beside her on the dance floor.
       Bros 2 and 3: *start cackling*
       Bro 1: I’m cooked.
       Bro 3: On to the next, my liege.
       Bro 2 and 3: *talking in Shakespearian language, mocking Bro 1’s chivalry*
       Bro 4: *after staring off pensively* No, no. That’s really nice, what you said. Lowkey, I bet it made her feel amazing.
       
       Not 30 seconds later, the girl in question texts Bro 1: what’s up tn. While the other boys celebrate, Bro 4, young monk, has a beautiful, all-knowing twinkle in his eye.
       

    2. “These deer are so nice. They just stand there, they don’t say anything.”
       - My grandmother, looking at deer
       

    3. At a rave.
       A girl buzzing around the crowd from person to person, asking each if they need gum. Everyone shrugs her off and returns to the music. It’s very obvious she’s in that state on drugs where she wants to help and connect with everyone, but everyone recognizes this, feels superior to it, having exhibited better etiquette and restraint in their drug usage. She eventually makes her way to me and asks if I want gum. I smile weakly and shrug her off — same as everyone. She asks the girl behind me and the girl goes, YES girl we would love some gum. She turns to her friend and says, girl get some gum from this generous bitch. The gum girl hands out her gum and walks away beaming, ear to ear. The girl behind me says to her friend, Poor thing, she is so stoned.
       

    4. “Here’s to peace, and those who get in the way of it”
       - Hot priest from Fleabag

---